Sunday, December 26, 2010

Holiday Sports Guides For Beginners (Humor)

NFL Throw

Near the end of the year, family and friends come together to shove breading impolitely into a large fowl and watch what can only be called "the game."  This is a tradition followed for centuries, where guests will come into your festive house and ask, "Is the game on?"  For those of you lost in this art, the game refers to a competitive North American trial of two city states wrestling for a ball on a regulated field.  This is called "the game" and it must be "on" at the time that the guests arrive.

The game = Football (thumbs up)
The game = Marathon of the Wiggles (thumbs down)

The game is on = a screen showing the game (thumbs up)
The game is on = a black screen or a screen showing a marathon of the Wiggles (thumbs down)

Once it has been confirmed that the game is "the game" and it is, in fact, "on", then you can move into the partaking of the game.  There are three specific rules for making sure the game is watched correctly. 1)supporting the correct game squadron, 2) yelling the right game phrases, 3) using the game as a right of immunity.  Let's investigate this further.

1.  The game must consist of a squadron that is geographically relevant to a city-state that is near said owner of home or the squadron must be better in achievement then squadron that is geographically relevant.  In no case, is the guest allowed to have two teams of favor.  In the religious world, we call this monotheism.  The owner of home is allowed to have more than one squadron of appreciation, but those squadrons are not competing in "the game" for that evening.

Team of favor by locationality = Buffalo Bills (thumbs up)
Team of favor by locationality= Africa (thumbs down)

Team of favor by achievement = New York Jets (thumbs up)
Team of favor by achievement = Buffalo Bills (thumbs down)

2) Once the game is on and the squadron is chosen by location or achievement, the ritual of morale building and aggressive education must commence.  Honored veterans have been part of this ritual for centuries, leaving the beginner to feel a little inadequate for this process.  But understanding the morale building and aggressive education ritual of watching "the game" is of utmost important.  Here is a guide.

Morale Building:
Touchdown!  Touchdown!--Translation: "Squadron has achieved numerical progression!  Squadron has achieved numerical progression!"

Get him!  Get him!--Translation: "Perhaps by physical contact, you will accomplish your top priority in this competition!"

Run!  C'mon! Run!--Translation: " Motivate momentum at greater will, goal achievement is catalyzed!"

Aggressive Education:
The ref was totally blind!--Translation: "I acquit the squadron's last strategy deemed misdemeanor, the guilt is on the judge!" 

"The guy was totally in bounds!"--Translation: "The bylaws of this competition are not being met by my standard of justice, please reevaluate his current stance on the issue."

"That play was terrible!"--Translation: "I wish my squadron no harm, but their integrity on the field of judgment lacks in the standard at which I set my expectation."

Learning how to speak either the translation or the vernacular is important to receiving the nutrients of the game.  Continued practice will ensure that you will be yelling, "Proceed, Squadron, proceed" at the right time.

3) Exercising the mandated rights of the game is of utmost important to the holiday ritual.  Failure to enter into the policies and articles of the game will result in a less than stellar expectation.
  • Partakers of the game have the right to refuse indoor and outdoor tasks by any taskmaster who deems them available to produce labor at the time of the game's entrance into visible media. Example: You do not have to set the thanksgiving table if the game is on!
  • Partakers of the game have the right to exercise liberal amounts of volume control regardless of the outside environment (baby sleeping, family having dinner).  Example: "Proceed, Squadron, Proceed!"
  •  Partakers of the game have the right to angrily knock over any obstacle (animal, vitamin or mineral) in the event that the game has caused undue mischief or depression, without threat of homeowner recourse or retaliation. Example: an ottoman being thrown at a window.

Once the game is deemed "the game", proven to be "on", the squadron is chosen, the vernacular is used and the rights are mandated, then it is possible for the visitors and the homeowner to fully partake into this ritual.  While other guests are opening gifts, impolitely filling a turkey with bread or trying to get a baby to sleep, you can rest assure that "the game" is meeting your most natural of holiday needs.

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