Monday, April 25, 2011

Whatif: Halo Was a Kart Racer?

Upload Instructions:
Go to the link here:
Type in the password: art
Insert your pic and give 24 hours for me to post it.
Don't forget to write your name on the piece. 

Mike Mordenga

Brave New Toy: Whatif: Mario Was an FPS?

Brave New Toy: Whatif: Mario Was an FPS?: "What would it look like if the Italian plumber had his own shooter game? Upload Instructions: Go to the link here:"

Whatif: Mario Was an FPS?

What would it look like if the Italian plumber had his own shooter game?

Upload Instructions:
Go to the link here:
Type in the password: art
Insert your pic and give 24 hours for me to post it.
Don't forget to write your name on the piece.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Emery- We Do What We Want

Emery hasn't strayed much from their two grounded roots 1) screamo and 2) vague relationship feelings.  But anyone looking for their patented harmonic chants and melodramas will not be disappointed.  Emery pounds out ten tracks that fuse punk attitudes, emo riffs and a lot of headbanging.

The album starts off with "The Cheval Glass" which sets up a barrage of throaty gurgle screams, but then breaks into the ballad of creamy singing.  Fast forward track three and you will have a good idea of what the rest of the album will consist of:  A sporadic rain of hardcore metal, mixed with ADHD lullabies.  It's hard to review an Emery album because of the constant shifts the songs take.  The punk riffs in "Anchors" and "Curse of Perfect Days," "I'm Not Here For Rage I'm Here For Revenge (More Than Your Hook Up)" will get you singing in the car.  The power anthems in "You Wanted It" and "Daddy's Little Peach" will get your fist raising.  The last two songs: "Fix Me" and "I Never Got To See The West Coast" are the softer and more gentle side of Emery.

We Do What We Want is a powerful message about how we as a people follow our own instincts.  The messages aren't clear exactly because of the vague poetry and use of pronouns, but some songs have powerful messages.  "Scissors" is about an argument about abortion.  "Daddy's Little Peach" is about the facade of being old enough to have the party life.  "I Never Got To See The West Coast" is an acoustical cry about suicide thoughts. Probably the clearest ballad is "Fix Me," where Toby admits than nothing can help him but Jesus.  I think clear coherent messages are a little overrated to Emery because their audience is more prone to copy pasting an angry lyric piece on their status just for the feeling.  But for anyone picking apart their lyrics they will find some sage life wisdom and experience.  I can definitely relate to "Addicted to Bad Decisions."

Emery still continues to be a blender project of lullabies, screams and punk.  It's everything you love in Emery and hopefully you are not tired of.  Will they change in future albums?  It's hard to tell with a band who can't even keep one song in the same genre, but at least the fans they have will never be letdown.

+ Good energy
+Great mix of ballad and screaming

- What are you talking about?
- Still prefer the ballad over the screaming

Saturday, April 9, 2011

5 Trends on Female Christian Dating Profiles

 I don't want to brag, but I have seen a lot of dating profiles as of recent and I have noticed a powerful trend.  I am talking about the FACE (Female, Athletic, Christian, Evangelical) crowd and their insistence with using the same 5 pieces of data.  Luckily, I have been spared this rhetoric by meeting some very nice people on some dating sites, but as for the others, they most likely fall into these traps.

1.  Likes Hiking

Every girl that has 2 legs loves hiking.  I'm sure there's some girl who loves the idea of being stationary and still, but as for the others, hiking is like crack.

We all like hiking.  Why?  Hiking is how your legs take you to new places.  People who want to go to the bathroom or need to buy groceries like hiking.  Unless your car is parked inside your house, next to your bed and easy to roll into, then odds are that you like hiking to.

Hiking is not a sport even though it rhymes with biking.  You can't get points or medals for hiking.  I imagine in some part of the world hikers are rated on how much breath was taken away by the scenery.

Contestant 1: The mountains were okay (bronze)
Contestant 2:  The mountains were great (silver)
Contestant 3: The mountains are majestic!!! (gold)

I used to hike as a child, but it usually involved getting lost in the mall or the grocery store.  My mom would then have to hike to find me.  She would get a very low score because of all the scenery she didn't take in.

All in all, everyone likes to hike.

2. Grandma

There is something so wonderful about your mom's mom that deserves to give this woman an honorary medal of achievement.  I'm not sure what grandma did to these Christian women, but they all agree that grandma is the driving force behind their lifestyle, growth, education, welfare, spirituality and the very fabric that makes up our being.

How grandma got ranked next to Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela is beyond me, but apparently it was because of her pearls of wisdom, endless strength in tough situations and the ability to withstand the powerful forces of adversity against all odds.  I can only guess that a majority of Christian women had grandmas that fought on the frontline of Normandy in 1943, were captured and refused to reveal the OSS hideout of concealed Jews.  Somehow they escaped and lived honest and noble lives, telling their grandchildren the heroic stories of being a POW in the midst of the 3rd Reich.

My grandma's story is a bit different.  She made spaghetti sauce instead of fighting in WWII.  Pretty close...right?

Grandpa visits too.

3.  Christianese

The art of speaking like a Christian is a combination of Shakespeare words, things written on a baptism fountain and using lines from the movie Princess Bride.  FACE's love letting Christian words roll off their tongue in a poetic cacophony of textbook words and phrases that would make King Arthur blush.  In recent days, I have seen the topic of religious association answered like this.

Religion:  A blessed union of child and Christ, intertwining with the grace of the sacrificial lamb, who has anointed us through mercy in the baptisms of his kindness and everlasting peace.

Don't worry.  I have a translation.

Religion:  I'm Christian

Now, one would think that this irritable Bible syndrome of the mouth would stop at the religion question.  But this is how FACE's write their desires for their future husbands.

Seeking:  A mighty and noble scholar, stationed at the feet of Christ, leaning heavily on the truth scrolls of God's life changing breath.  And also entwined with the healing light of mature peace, granted liberally through the power of the Holy Spirit.  And also must like volleyball!!

Do not fret.  I have a translation.

Seeking: Christian who likes volleyball.

I can imagine that boys might feel a little intimidated by these laborious explanations of the Kingdom of Heaven.  I, myself, have thought "I'm stationed at the feet of Christ and I like volleyball, but I am not sure how entwined I am."  If it wasn't for Christianese I figure a lot of FACEs would just have profiles that say <See God>.

4.  Honesty and Genuine

When asked what they look for in a man, these two attributes pop up the most.  They are very humble requests and it makes sense that any girl should want these.  I can't imagine a scenario where a girl would lust after lies and falsehood.

Boy:  The sky is brown and I am 600 years old!!!
Girl:  You had me at hello.

The problem that I see here is that if you are a dishonest guy who is not genuine, you are probably not going to start speaking truth in answering this plea.

Girl:  Are you honest and genuine?
Boy:  (looks around shadily)  ...yesss?
Girl:  That's a load off my about a date?
Boy:  Great, we can go to my mansion in Italy, I'll pick you up on the flying car around 8.

Do you see the problem?

5.  Zoomed Out Photos

In conclusion, a great majority of FACEs love the zoomed out photo shot.  We are talking about the shot that shows the entire Swiss alps in the background and they are a yellow blip in the snow.  This very artistic shot boldly relays this message to the viewer, " Please use this overarching vista as proof of my height actuality."

If it wasn't for these massive zoomed pictures, we, the male gender, would not be able to determine that 1) she exists within a 3D realm where foreground and background coexist and 2) She's not agoraphobic.  This is a sigh of relief to those who always feel that Christian women are two dimensional shut-ins who pet cats in the basement all day.

Truth be told, these grandma loving hiker Christians are all over the dating world.  They are truly wonderful people to get to know and they will not hesitate to: share a grandma WWII adventure, go hiking in the alps, while someone takes wide photos or baptize you.  Just remember to bring a volleyball, a Bible and some nice walking shoes.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Christian Apocalypse Love Story Combines 2 Niche Markets

Christian entertainment may not have the best variety, but what it does do, it does very well.  In recent years, studies have shown that Christian audiences flock to apocalyptic thrillers (Left Behind Series, Apocalypse Dawn, The Omega Code, Judgment) and Old West/Amish love stories (Love's Abiding Joy, Love Finds a Home, Love Finds Wings)

Recent author Janette Dobson, has found the power play of a life time, combining both the Amish love story and the end of the world apocalypse.  It's called Love's True Final Reckoning.

The story is about a quiet Amish boy named Danny who owns a leather tanning house on the outskirts of the town.  He begins to notice Anna, the school girl teacher.  Anna falls in love with Danny, but she cannot reveal her secret, that she is the prostitute of Babylon that will ride the dragon in Revelations.  Having to decide between being a catalyst of end times or pursuing her love for Danny, Anna faces the many pressures of being an Amish school teacher who was anointed by Satan.  Meanwhile, God begins sending plagues and bowls of wrath upon the Earth to cleanse it of its impurity.  Will Danny avoid the corrupt one-world government to be with Anna or will he be second fiddle to her new lover--the Anti-Christ?

Grab the tissues and the newspaper because this story will grip your brain and your heart for a fast action packed thrill ride of romantic world destruction.
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