Thursday, August 23, 2012

Updated Christian Guide to Voting (or ushering in the apocalypse)

Caution: Takes this article with a grain of salt and try not to put that grain near an open wound.

The primaries are creeping up on us and ranking a close second to Jordyn Wieber's Olympic gymnastic performance on the list of things we should care about.  We live in America so the following must be true: we can vote for anybody and we can worship anybody.  So how does the Christian American treat the primaries?

1. Try to Trigger the Apocalypse

As a Christian, America is not our true home so why not help nudge Revelations a bit further?  Just because The New JerUSAalem has USA in it, does not mean we have reached Heaven.  When you hit the polls, remember that you are aiming for the candidate that is going to unite the world into one secular nation that welcomes the Woman Who Rides The Beast.  Besides,  we are overdue for some serious persecution (your office mates snickering about your virginity vows does not count).  It was the early church fathers who said, "the church is built on the blood of the martyrs."  Would it not be truly ideal to step your faith up a notch by being captured, tortured and forced to kiss Barack Romney's loafers while declaring him the true Cesar?  If we brighten up the place with a little fire and brimstone, surely the seven plagues, bowls and four riders will give us confirmation that we made the right decision.  Vote for the guy who is going to create a secret police that will put a gun to your head, while you are forced to perform your first abortion on a clone baby who is bred only for wars  in Afghanistan.  Who knows, the end might be right around the corner.


Seeking the servant attitude and trying to make this place better.  Christians are unique in that we are the only people group who preserve things to be holy.  We are the priests of our nation who answer to one person and in return we try to make America the clean bride for her groom.  What does that mean?  We don't fret over food stamps and unemployment, but we do help people find their purpose in serving.  We don't want anyone to terminate a human life in any stage and that is why we educate on the sanctity of life.  We want America to be a hero, not a comfortable pigpen.

2.  Your Friends

Asking Facebook about a fair pros and cons discussion about politics is like asking a racist about his thoughts on equality.  Your friends have probably posted posters trying to compare the rival candidate to an inept monkey who drowns inconveniently when it rains or a super Nazi baby killer who eats kittens with cyanide.  When confronted with their bulverism they will stand on their soapbox and declare that they "Love America Too Much."  Let's face the facts, those displays of sarcastic patriotism was never meant to teach any opposing view and the author is hoping to receive some undeserved pats on the back.  But deep inside everyone knows that being president is about making people happy who voted for you.  Meanwhile the other half is stabbing voodoo dolls of your likeness because nothing you say/do/mime will EVER be good enough.  That's why I think we need another Civil War.  One side versus the death.  When the North dominated the South, the South eventually lost and muttered nasty things under their breath.  Imagine Democrats and Republicans musketing each other to smithereens.  We've been doing it in our heads, moving to action should not be so hard.  The winners could always remind the losers that might actually did make right.  I know I have the Republicans on my side.


Reading your Bible.  It's not popular or fun, but there's definitely a promise for those who seek the wisdom of God.  Somewhere, we as Christians have not put any faith that the life God has for us is for the prospering of humanity.  Strangely,  the things we care so much about in politics are all answered by followers of God who obey.  Americas greatness has been built on the backs of healers, prophets, educators, comforters and anyone who said yes to God.  Also, Christian apologists should be studied as well because A) they are way less caustic than your friends B) they help give perspective to scripture.  May I suggest politically passionate preachers like Rick Warren?

3.  The Chosen One

Who will save America.  It wasn't the last guy.  We have used that line over forty times.  Obama is the worst president since Bush.  Bush is the worst president since Clinton.  It's a vicious circle, but I have good news.  This new guy is the one.  He is doing things that everyone in the past hasn't done yet.  He is the one who has the answers that no one has thought yet.  But if my guy doesn't get in then I will automatically guarantee you that my comfortable American life will turn into me eating cat food, begging for prescription drugs from pimps and selling condoms so I can afford a trailer home.  So that is why I am starting early with the worship.  I have sent my candidate love letters with the words "save me" written in my own blood.  Every morning I sacrifice a picture of Mel Gibson on an altar to make sure that John the Baptist will make clear his path.  I buy my candidate sandals just to remind him that I am unworthy to velcro them.  After many rejected offers, my candidate will not allow me to wash his feet with my hair and perfumes.  On any CNBC press talk you can see me in the background trying to grab hold of his white cloak for inner healing.  My faith is unshakeable and I can build my house on every promise that escapes his mouth.  Fox News is my Bible and John Stewart is his prophet.  I'm not a betting man, but I think everything is going to work out.


Jesus.  That wasn't a swear word I just yelled out--it's a person.  The way I see it, Romans says that God appoints all leaders and makes them his servant (I prefer the term tool).  Our God asks us to trust him for all anxieties and personal problems.  I don't have to worry about deathly chaos because my unemployment benefits ran out nor do I have any right to worry about how I run my Christian chicken food chain.  And here is the shocker.  God asks us to respect (not necessarily agree with) anyone who is in office.  The early Christians were currently under the murderous bigot Cesar, but I am sure they totally understand that our situation is different.  I don't have to worry that my guy didn't get in because in the end I know that my Lord got in and has stayed in for a very long time.  When it is put in perspective, we start to see that the office of president is no different from being a servant.  Maybe you are the president...the president of being God's tool.    

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