Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Things I Expected In Online Christian Dating (But Never Got)

Take God's favorite pastime,getting people married, and mix it with the internet.  It almost seems flawless and well executed.  The power of the global community and Christian values mixing together should make the most awesome display of true love.  But, sadly, this was more of a wake up call than a triumphant victory.

I expected:

1.  Tons of Opportunities

I met hundreds of girls that were both church oriented and searching wholeheartedly for a good Christian man.  The odds were in my favor completely.  I started locally and met at least thirty girls who did not bow the knee to false idols.  Three ghost towns later--nothing.  I went a bit further into some surrounding cities to see if they could spare a cup of Christian girl.  Zilch.  Then I started to see what other states had holy women of the Lord to fulfill.  It's like they smell the rejection on me.  Finally, I started to consider long and hard what other countries I would dare visit in order to find someone who would reply to my emails.  I hit rock bottom when I was trying to raise airfare for Abu Dhabi because I swear someone gave me eye contact.  The reality is that you can get a lot of nothing.  There's no guarantee.  The temptation is to start sacrificing your core beliefs in order to widen the playing field.  What does that really accomplish, but remind us that we are acting out of desperation?

2.  Authentic Christianity

On some websites the term Christian means about the same thing as saying you wrote your name on the organ donor line on the back of your drivers' license.  I can't tell you how many websites that boast in their quantity of God fearing women actually has very few that are actual practicing.  It's not like these girls are confessing to heroin parties and full time work at the orphanage bombing centers.  In fact some of them are pretty decent.  My biggest beef is that the almighty creator of the universe has called them to help build his kingdom at the mercy and expense of his historical son, Jesus Christ and they would rather share how motivated they are about pony breeding.  I guess I just didn't prepare myself for the word Christian to be passed around so loosely like the words organic, swagger, yoga or epic.  On the flipside, you can always bet on atheists being passionate about what they don't believe.

3.   Reciprocation

I would rather have some girl honestly tell me to drop dead than to meet another tumbleweed girl.  A tumble weed girl is someone who responds to your message over internet dating mail.  They strike up a conversation and happily oblige to all your questions.  Then you start to notice that you are the primary CEO of keeping the fires alive with conversation.  After a day or so the word reciprocation has no meaning at all.  And with a gentle gust of wind she drifts off into the background of nothingness like fading from a dream.  I am completely baffled by this.  Girls have tumbled away mid instant messenger sentence.  In some respects I completely get it.  These ladies are making judgements that I am not cut out for them.  I don't mind being fired from their affection.  But stop pretending that I am a bear that if you hold real still I won't see you.  Have the decency to swat me away like a fly you don't want in your house.  Anything else is just bad friendship.

This is a message that I understand

4.  To be polite to everyone

I met a girl who decided that I was worth her time.  She had to answer questions about me, discover my likes and dislikes, write an essay about her dreams.  Then finally, eHarmony gave us permission to talk to one another.  That was the same time she said she just wanted to be friendly and she already had a boyfriend.  The hardest riddle was trying to decipher if she was just ignorant or cruel.  But the fact of the matter is that she thought she was being friendly. Being polite on a Christian dating site is very deceiving and inappropriate.  First of all, there is no small talk and simple chit chat.  Virtually everyone who takes it seriously has the agenda to find a relationship.  With that in mind,  ignore people you don't want to spend time with.  Block people you don't want to notice you.  Don't smile back or answer any questions from anyone you don't want to engage with.  Break friendships and ties with people that you can't/won't reciprocate with.  In the real world we need to be polite, friendly and be civil with everyone to treat them like a human.  In the online dating world you need to give constantly give the cold shoulder.  This is one of the reasons why I hate online dating.

I told you I was freaky!

5. To have God in the backseat

I realize that I am the freakish outcast in this story.  I have had no luck with Christian Mingle, eHarmony, Match, Christian Dating For Free, Chemistry and Christian Cafe.  Now I have put myself directly into Sodom and Gomorrah with Ok Cupid.  I don't mean to be explicit, but Ok Cupid is like trying to find a Veggie Tales DVD in an adult shop.  Realizing that the romance story that I will share with my kids is that I had a choice between the self-proclaimed transgender pirate who makes scarves from sheded kitten fur and my wife sets off a few alarms for me.  I am starting to realize how important it is to let God write my story of love.  It involves looking at myself and realizing if I am mature enough for the fragility of a relationship (that is difficult).  It also desires the sensitivity to let God act.  I have a theory that a great number of us are posting profiles online because we are afraid that God said "wait" when we asked for a significant other.  I am not one of those sentimental suckers who believes in the stop-looking-and-someone-will-magically-appear idea, but I do believe in taking direction from someone who knows me better than myself.

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