Monday, July 23, 2012

Forget 3D! Movie Experiences I would Actually Pay For!

Nothing makes movies more modern and technological than Hollywood offering technology from the 50's at extortionist prices.  I don't understand 3D and I really could care less about the IMAX experience.  I am baffled as to why movie makers are using images that "pop out a little" as the marketing scheme to revolutionize the cinema watching experience.  It almost sounds like an organized crime protection service.  If you pay an extra 3 dollars, the crime lords will give you special glasses so that the movie doesn't look blurry.

Now I have listed some services that movies could offer that I would actually pay for.  These would actually make a little bit more sense to me.

1.  Better Acting

Imagine, if you will, getting a choice to see Spiderman with Tobey Macguire or if you paid an extra 3 dollars you would get to see Spiderman with James Garfield.  Countless movie fans would gladly chip in the few extra bucks to see a less painful exchange of drama from James Garfield.  I paid thirteen dollars to see Will Smith sloppy his way through Men In Black 3.  Not once did I say, "oh my goodness, the 3D made up for the paper thin plot and underwhelming fun!"  Now if you offered the Men In Black 3: Acting Coaches and Script Editors Edition, I could see tossing a few bucks.

2. Adjust the Fight Scenes (So we actually know what is going on)

There's a theme among action movies, where the camera man and the editor will give you the perspective of someone having a violent spasm in the dark during a fight scene.  Every movie that claims to have good fisticuffs has had this editing style of extremely close up fights, one millisecond shots and horrible lighting.  The Dark Knight Trilogy is riddled with shoddy action scenes because at no time did the director ever want you to enjoy the fight.  I would pay an extra five dollars to rewind these indiscernible fight scenes, slow them down and add lighting.  Each person who paid the extra fee would get to choose options like, "slow motion," "add lighting" and "add Jackie Chan." Imagine a brawl that looked more like Morpheus' and Neo's exhibition and less like Batman's epileptic rave sessions.

3.  Hilarious Commentary

The girlfriend wants you to see some sappy Zac Effron movie where he rolls shirtless into puppies for two and a half hours, while he macs on a chick who cries all the time.  Instead of groaning painfully to the female pornography that you have to endure, you can order the hilarious commentary headphones.  For an extra ten bucks you can have members of Mystery Science Theater 3000 or some sarcastic comedian rip the movie apart, while your significant other commits mental adultery.  I would relish the part where Conan O' Brien compares Gerard Butler's romantic comedy to a Justin Beiber song.  So while Zac Effron is stumbling over a love scene, you can laugh hysterically knowing that you are sharing this movie with a loved one.

4.  The Comment Box

This one is a bit pricey, but I know that it will sell in droves.  This is for anyone who put high expectations into a movie that clearly let them down.  We call it Spiderman Syndrome and it happens every ten years.  After the movie is finished, the ushers bring out a comment box where you can fill in criticisms and direction to make the movie better.  The comment box is shipped directly to the script writer and producer, who are contracted by law to obey the majority criticisms of the movie.  Let's envision a world that won't get another Marvel reboot or how about sleeping peacefully at night knowing that Anne Hathaway won't be in the sequel.  The service would cost about $100 dollars, but I would gladly chip in to have the safety of the comment box.

5.  Professional Probation For Directors

Whenever a business man wastes tons of money or a politician makes a stupid law, they potentially lose their job in some way.  Not true for movie directors.  They can dump out endless movies and still make a profit overseas.  What if we could pay an extra few dollars to determine the director's career at the end of a bad flick?  If a movie sucked, the audience could vote and the majority would count as a strike against them.  One strike and the director would have to make an apology blog.  Two strikes and the director goes on professional probation, where they are required to take three classes at the New York School of the Arts.  If they get three strikes they must leave the movie business.  This kind of movie fan input would seriously make Sam Raimi consider his next artistic choices more carefully.  Consider a world where the movie visioneers of the cinema wouldn't jump to Tom Cruise so readily.  I would gladly pay for those features.

6.  Artistic Discussions

Have you ever seen a great movie and wanted to talk about it after?  But usually your friends want to go home and get some sleep.  For an extra five dollars, the movie does not end with the credits, but with a serious panel discussion with a movie critic, a theologian and an expert in the field of whatever the movie was based on.    You could wittle away hours explaining how Batman's cape was not exactly like Frank Miller's vision. Serious philosophers could explain the messiah complex of Sucker Punch as they pertain to the Christian Gospel.  Meanwhile, your girlfriend would be pulling on your arm saying, "I'm bored!  Why didn't we see the Zac Effron movie?"

7.  Sex Scene Distractions

There is not much you can do during a movie sex scene.   I mean really, you can watch it and look like some perv who is taking notes.  You can turn to your parents and explain that you didn't know Natalie Portman would perform such a rude act.  You can't really announce to the audience how the inclusion of the sex scene helped you understand that Adrian Brody actually had feelings for Keira Knightley.  But, for an extra five dollars, a professional juggler and balloon artist will perform during the whole awkward scene.  It helps conservative parents and makes that awkward romantic date seem a little more bearable.  How many of you would have rather seen a professional sword swallower rather than see King Leonidas teach your 5 year old brother what one does with a wife before battle 300?

This is....awkward!

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