Saturday, April 9, 2011

5 Trends on Female Christian Dating Profiles

 I don't want to brag, but I have seen a lot of dating profiles as of recent and I have noticed a powerful trend.  I am talking about the FACE (Female, Athletic, Christian, Evangelical) crowd and their insistence with using the same 5 pieces of data.  Luckily, I have been spared this rhetoric by meeting some very nice people on some dating sites, but as for the others, they most likely fall into these traps.

1.  Likes Hiking

Every girl that has 2 legs loves hiking.  I'm sure there's some girl who loves the idea of being stationary and still, but as for the others, hiking is like crack.

We all like hiking.  Why?  Hiking is how your legs take you to new places.  People who want to go to the bathroom or need to buy groceries like hiking.  Unless your car is parked inside your house, next to your bed and easy to roll into, then odds are that you like hiking to.

Hiking is not a sport even though it rhymes with biking.  You can't get points or medals for hiking.  I imagine in some part of the world hikers are rated on how much breath was taken away by the scenery.

Contestant 1: The mountains were okay (bronze)
Contestant 2:  The mountains were great (silver)
Contestant 3: The mountains are majestic!!! (gold)

I used to hike as a child, but it usually involved getting lost in the mall or the grocery store.  My mom would then have to hike to find me.  She would get a very low score because of all the scenery she didn't take in.

All in all, everyone likes to hike.

2. Grandma

There is something so wonderful about your mom's mom that deserves to give this woman an honorary medal of achievement.  I'm not sure what grandma did to these Christian women, but they all agree that grandma is the driving force behind their lifestyle, growth, education, welfare, spirituality and the very fabric that makes up our being.

How grandma got ranked next to Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela is beyond me, but apparently it was because of her pearls of wisdom, endless strength in tough situations and the ability to withstand the powerful forces of adversity against all odds.  I can only guess that a majority of Christian women had grandmas that fought on the frontline of Normandy in 1943, were captured and refused to reveal the OSS hideout of concealed Jews.  Somehow they escaped and lived honest and noble lives, telling their grandchildren the heroic stories of being a POW in the midst of the 3rd Reich.

My grandma's story is a bit different.  She made spaghetti sauce instead of fighting in WWII.  Pretty close...right?

Grandpa visits too.

3.  Christianese

The art of speaking like a Christian is a combination of Shakespeare words, things written on a baptism fountain and using lines from the movie Princess Bride.  FACE's love letting Christian words roll off their tongue in a poetic cacophony of textbook words and phrases that would make King Arthur blush.  In recent days, I have seen the topic of religious association answered like this.

Religion:  A blessed union of child and Christ, intertwining with the grace of the sacrificial lamb, who has anointed us through mercy in the baptisms of his kindness and everlasting peace.

Don't worry.  I have a translation.

Religion:  I'm Christian

Now, one would think that this irritable Bible syndrome of the mouth would stop at the religion question.  But this is how FACE's write their desires for their future husbands.

Seeking:  A mighty and noble scholar, stationed at the feet of Christ, leaning heavily on the truth scrolls of God's life changing breath.  And also entwined with the healing light of mature peace, granted liberally through the power of the Holy Spirit.  And also must like volleyball!!

Do not fret.  I have a translation.

Seeking: Christian who likes volleyball.

I can imagine that boys might feel a little intimidated by these laborious explanations of the Kingdom of Heaven.  I, myself, have thought "I'm stationed at the feet of Christ and I like volleyball, but I am not sure how entwined I am."  If it wasn't for Christianese I figure a lot of FACEs would just have profiles that say <See God>.

4.  Honesty and Genuine

When asked what they look for in a man, these two attributes pop up the most.  They are very humble requests and it makes sense that any girl should want these.  I can't imagine a scenario where a girl would lust after lies and falsehood.

Boy:  The sky is brown and I am 600 years old!!!
Girl:  You had me at hello.

The problem that I see here is that if you are a dishonest guy who is not genuine, you are probably not going to start speaking truth in answering this plea.

Girl:  Are you honest and genuine?
Boy:  (looks around shadily)  ...yesss?
Girl:  That's a load off my about a date?
Boy:  Great, we can go to my mansion in Italy, I'll pick you up on the flying car around 8.

Do you see the problem?

5.  Zoomed Out Photos

In conclusion, a great majority of FACEs love the zoomed out photo shot.  We are talking about the shot that shows the entire Swiss alps in the background and they are a yellow blip in the snow.  This very artistic shot boldly relays this message to the viewer, " Please use this overarching vista as proof of my height actuality."

If it wasn't for these massive zoomed pictures, we, the male gender, would not be able to determine that 1) she exists within a 3D realm where foreground and background coexist and 2) She's not agoraphobic.  This is a sigh of relief to those who always feel that Christian women are two dimensional shut-ins who pet cats in the basement all day.

Truth be told, these grandma loving hiker Christians are all over the dating world.  They are truly wonderful people to get to know and they will not hesitate to: share a grandma WWII adventure, go hiking in the alps, while someone takes wide photos or baptize you.  Just remember to bring a volleyball, a Bible and some nice walking shoes.

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