Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How To Write Like Nicholas Sparks (Humor)

Nicholas Sparks has declared himself the master of romance writing. I think its only fair to instruct promising writers on how to write such masterful works. I may not have captured his entire special technique, but you can get pretty darn close. We could only hope to be as gifted.

Notebook...formerly called College Ruled Loose Leaf of Love

Step 1: Make the center of attraction two good looking white people in somewhat bearable status.
(note: the white people must be of American or European descent, but not those weird Eastern Europe folk who sound weird)

Step 2: Use the plot device of opposites to stir up CONFLICT
rich or poor
religious or rebellious
free or slave
constipated or irritable
(Note: Use of ethnic opposites voids step one’s “white policy” and thus makes a different novel of the non-Sparks variety)

Step 3: Throw in an obstacle that makes the love difficult
terminal illness
rich parents (who are white)
religious differences (see step 2)

I'm so sad I missed the first song
Step 4: concoct a romantic scene that involves beach or grassy hill
frolicking through the sands (white sands)
Putting seashells around Miley Cyrus
Laying in a grassy overpass
Jamming a notebook into a bottle and putting it out to sea
Feeding grapes to each other on a beach

Step 5: Throw in monkey wrench in relationship that could split each other apart
Cheating boyfriend
Hateful attitude
Lack of beaches or grassy hills
Terminal illness makes partner unattractive (void of step one)
Boyfriend forgets to tell girl that he really met her just to get back at her police dad, but then redeems himself by being part of the 9/11 act of terrorism.

The relationship between the flower and the bicycle is breathtaking

Step 6: Sappy and profound realization of partner that makes the ensuing marriage work out
Love is eternal if love is happy
It can all work out if we work together
The butterflies in your tummy can fly to your heart and make you free
Abercrombie can lift us high on eagle’s wings
I’d rather die knowing you were white and in my arms than live a thousand non-white days without you

Step 7: Characters die as symbolic meaning (very rare and unique Sparkian plot device)
(note: Do not include in your story that at the point of decease the digestion systems releases. It’s a mood killer)

Extra: Big non-specific nouns as a title.

Example:Feather in a Trapper-Keeper
Maria Whiterson is a rich heiress living in California
She falls in love with a rebellious, poor train grifter named Swain Whitely
Their love is forbidden because Swain is poor (but still an attractive poor, which means he can afford Noxema)
Swain takes her to a grassy field where he puts seashells in the shape of Miley Cyrus’ body. She falls in love.
But then Maria gets a terminal disease.
So Swain makes the realization that he is only 1/4 of a man if he cannot have more than half of her.
She greatly appreciates the message and they finish their relationship by both dying (in a non messy way).


No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...