Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Christmas List 2010 (Humor)

Every year Walmart fills up to the brim with soccer moms willing to ghetto stomp any human to get the latest toy.  This has genuinely been the way America has celebrated the birth of baby Jesus.  Whether this was a red fuzzy monster that begged you to touch it or a wind up hamster that runs along a track, America has jumped all over this trend.  We here at Brave New Toy have caught on and want to share this with you.  Take a look at our categories and marvel at your choices.

Medal of Honor: Congress Edition

Tagline: All the heat of war, discussed by old men
Synopsis: You play a 77 year old representative of North Dakota whose only big accomplishment was repealing a soybean tax in the third district.  Now you have to sit through long congressional hearings as middle aged men decide the fate of our soldiers.  The level designs all involve the house of Congress, but you can download different wallpapers and skins.  In multiplayer mode you can get a server of 16 of your friends and vote on different zone sanctions.  It's addicting playing "Capture the Filibuster."

Review: The concept is very real, but I wish my character had brought a good magazine.

DC Vs. Archie

Tagline: It was bound to happen.
Synopsis: The heroes of the DC universe crossover to the Archieverse where they are caught in combat with Archie and his pals.  Suddenly, different members of the JLA are forced to fight different members of Archie comics.  Batman vs. Jughead, Deathstroke vs. Veronica, Aquaman vs. Pop Tate, Lex Luthor vs. Moose Mason.  The universe is at stake as Archie and Superman must work together to combine the worlds into Archie Earth- D.

Review: Very disappointed that Batman lost to Jughead.

The Ke$ha Biography: Pretendin' Ain't EZ
Tagline: The life of a girl with no life
Synopsis: You've heard this 16 year old sing about getting hot guys, having crazy booze parties and living the fulfilling life of a constant partier.  The first 3 pages of her book explain the crazy party life required by her CD contract and the other 207 pages just talks about her normal life as a farm girl who's voice sounds good with an auto tuner.  The Foreword is written by Satan.

Review: Ke$ha paints a beautiful portrait about how pretending to be a drunken and loose teenager is better than actually being one.

Spiderman Future: The Arthritis Years

Tagline: Spiderman fights crime with the help of Aleve
Synopsis: In the distant future, Spiderman has inflamed joints and no longer can do any of the things he could do as a teenager.  Instead he puts on his suit and smack talks his enemies.  Kingpin allegedly kidnapped Mary Jane who is an over the hill 300 pound actress doing cat food commercials.  Because of the pain killers he is taking, Spiderman can no longer use his spider sense accurately or shoot webbing.  He must team up with Daredevil who was put in a prison he can't escape (actually it's just his room, but Norman Osborn rearranged the furniture).  

Review: Meh, it's more entertaining than She Hulk.

Grand Theft Recession

Tagline: Thug life isn't easy, especially with our debt issues.
Synopsis: You play as a low level thug for the street gang "The Red Vipers."  Your boss tells you that you have to own the city of New Manhattan by robbing and doing drug deals.  The problem: no one has any money.  The game mirrors our sliding economy with a special economic physics engines.  Your low level street thug has to rob at least six homes to make enough money to buy part of a gun so he can threaten to carjack someone with a Pinto.  In later levels, you have to beat the clock by robbing businesses before they file chapter 11.  You run a drug and prostitute cartel that can only afford half a bottle of tainted Advil and a picture of Lady Gaga.  In the last level you have to run from Obama before he can pin the national debt on you and sink you into a fate worse than prison.

Review: Thirteen hours into this game and I can almost afford to fill up an M16 clip.

Call of Duty: Civil War Ops

Tagline: When Russians Cause Civil War, Abraham Lincoln Needs his Best Soldiers
Synopsis: The time period is 1680 and you play a Russian soldier who lives in America during the Civil War.  Abraham Lincoln has you strapped down in a chair and tortures you with Akimbo pistols.  He desperately wants to know what secret missions you have been performing with the Russians.  There is a plot that the South is using a missile silo that shoots out Native Americans.  Most of your missions are in Russia, torturing people and stopping the world from going into World War 0.5.  You have to go over to the North where you will battle undercover as a Russian terrorist.  In a stunning change of events, Stonewall Jackson turns on you and leads the North to believe that you are behind some terrorist plot.  In the stunning conclusion, you can call in air support to disable the missiles.  But really, who gives a rip?  You're just going to play it for 5 hours and go straight to multiplayer anyway.

Review: Some of this game might be historically inaccurate, but I am sure that Treyarch won't mind.

Other notable purchases:

High School Vampire Wizard Romance Adventures: They fly on brooms, make out with each other and whine in depressing tones...every girl's dream.

Praise Band 3 : It's a Christian version of the popular Rock Band game.  It's like having a poorly made evangelist in your house.

Gold's Jazzercise Kickboxing Weightloss Diet Cookbook (Wii): Finally a video game for hard working, on the go moms.


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