The Mike List: What if the Bible was written like famous children’s books?

 Choose Your Own Adventure

“Turn to 2nd Corinthians if Eve bites the forbidden fruit. Turn to Revelations if she refuses.”

Where the Sidewalk Ends

Moses had no doubt He refused to take the Israelites Out.
He would lead the sheep. And tidy the keep. And feed the trout.
But he refused to lead The Israelites out.

Redwall

“Moseswood and Aaronthorn sat for vittles at the Passover perch to have some lambberry stew and warm cider bitter herbs.”

Dr. Seuss

“Christ was afflicted on the crucifox while all the nasty sneetches threw their fish and lox. Crucified on the crossilu, the tender Christ sang ‘I forgive you’ The Pilate’s heart grew three sizes that day.”

Goosebumps

“And then as Noah entered the Ark a giant monster jumped at him.
Chapter 2
Nope, it was just a cat. But behind the cat was a real monster.
Chapter 3
Wrong again. It was just a horse. But behind that horse was an even bigger monster.”

Chronicles of Narnia

” Aslan declared with a roar ‘whoever does not setup parapets on their roof for their neighbor will surely get their face eaten off. Thus declares Aslan.”

Where’s Waldo?

“Go out in all the world and get lost in it until someone finds you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the man with one red sock will be revealed to you.”

Holiday Sports Guides For Beginners (Humor)

NFL Throw

Near the end of the year, family and friends come together to shove breading impolitely into a large fowl and watch what can only be called "the game."  This is a tradition followed for centuries, where guests will come into your festive house and ask, "Is the game on?"  For those of you lost in this art, the game refers to a competitive North American trial of two city states wrestling for a ball on a regulated field.  This is called "the game" and it must be "on" at the time that the guests arrive.

Example: 

The game = Football (thumbs up)

The game = Marathon of the Wiggles (thumbs down)

The game is on = a screen showing the game (thumbs up)

The game is on = a black screen or a screen showing a marathon of the Wiggles (thumbs down)

Once it has been confirmed that the game is "the game" and it is, in fact, "on", then you can move into the partaking of the game.  There are three specific rules for making sure the game is watched correctly. 1)supporting the correct game squadron, 2) yelling the right game phrases, 3) using the game as a right of immunity.  Let's investigate this further.

1.  The game must consist of a squadron that is geographically relevant to a city-state that is near said owner of home or the squadron must be better in achievement then squadron that is geographically relevant.  In no case, is the guest allowed to have two teams of favor.  In the religious world, we call this monotheism.  The owner of home is allowed to have more than one squadron of appreciation, but those squadrons are not competing in "the game" for that evening.

Example:

Team of favor by locationality = Buffalo Bills (thumbs up)

Team of favor by locationality= Africa (thumbs down)

Team of favor by achievement = New York Jets (thumbs up)

Team of favor by achievement = Buffalo Bills (thumbs down)

2) Once the game is on and the squadron is chosen by location or achievement, the ritual of morale building and aggressive education must commence.  Honored veterans have been part of this ritual for centuries, leaving the beginner to feel a little inadequate for this process.  But understanding the morale building and aggressive education ritual of watching "the game" is of utmost important.  Here is a guide.

Morale Building:

Touchdown!  Touchdown!--Translation: "Squadron has achieved numerical progression!  Squadron has achieved numerical progression!"

Get him!  Get him!--Translation: "Perhaps by physical contact, you will accomplish your top priority in this competition!"

Run!  C'mon! Run!--Translation: " Motivate momentum at greater will, goal achievement is catalyzed!"

Aggressive Education:

The ref was totally blind!--Translation: "I acquit the squadron's last strategy deemed misdemeanor, the guilt is on the judge!" 

"The guy was totally in bounds!"--Translation: "The bylaws of this competition are not being met by my standard of justice, please reevaluate his current stance on the issue."

"That play was terrible!"--Translation: "I wish my squadron no harm, but their integrity on the field of judgment lacks in the standard at which I set my expectation."

Learning how to speak either the translation or the vernacular is important to receiving the nutrients of the game.  Continued practice will ensure that you will be yelling, "Proceed, Squadron, proceed" at the right time.

3) Exercising the mandated rights of the game is of utmost important to the holiday ritual.  Failure to enter into the policies and articles of the game will result in a less than stellar expectation.

• Partakers of the game have the right to refuse indoor and outdoor tasks by any taskmaster who deems them available to produce labor at the time of the game's entrance into visible media. Example: You do not have to set the thanksgiving table if the game is on!

• Partakers of the game have the right to exercise liberal amounts of volume control regardless of the outside environment (baby sleeping, family having dinner).  Example: "Proceed, Squadron, Proceed!"

•  Partakers of the game have the right to angrily knock over any obstacle (animal, vitamin or mineral) in the event that the game has caused undue mischief or depression, without threat of homeowner recourse or retaliation. Example: an ottoman being thrown at a window.
  
  

Once the game is deemed "the game", proven to be "on", the squadron is chosen, the vernacular is used and the rights are mandated, then it is possible for the visitors and the homeowner to fully partake into this ritual.  While other guests are opening gifts, impolitely filling a turkey with bread or trying to get a baby to sleep, you can rest assure that "the game" is meeting your most natural of holiday needs.

How To Write Like Nicholas Sparks (Humor)

Nicholas Sparks has declared himself the master of romance writing. I think its only fair to instruct promising writers on how to write such masterful works. I may not have captured his entire special technique, but you can get pretty darn close. We could only hope to be as gifted.

Notebook...formerly called College Ruled Loose Leaf of Love

Step 1: Make the center of attraction two good looking white people in somewhat bearable status.
(note: the white people must be of American or European descent, but not those weird Eastern Europe folk who sound weird)

Step 2: Use the plot device of opposites to stir up CONFLICT
e.g.
rich or poor
religious or rebellious
free or slave
constipated or irritable
(Note: Use of ethnic opposites voids step one’s “white policy” and thus makes a different novel of the non-Sparks variety)

Step 3: Throw in an obstacle that makes the love difficult
Disease
terminal illness
rich parents (who are white)
religious differences (see step 2)

I'm so sad I missed the first song

Step 4: concoct a romantic scene that involves beach or grassy hill
frolicking through the sands (white sands)
Putting seashells around Miley Cyrus
Laying in a grassy overpass
Jamming a notebook into a bottle and putting it out to sea
Feeding grapes to each other on a beach


Step 5: Throw in monkey wrench in relationship that could split each other apart
Cheating boyfriend
Hateful attitude
Lack of beaches or grassy hills
Terminal illness makes partner unattractive (void of step one)
Boyfriend forgets to tell girl that he really met her just to get back at her police dad, but then redeems himself by being part of the 9/11 act of terrorism.

The relationship between the flower and the bicycle is breathtaking

Step 6: Sappy and profound realization of partner that makes the ensuing marriage work out
Love is eternal if love is happy
It can all work out if we work together
The butterflies in your tummy can fly to your heart and make you free
Abercrombie can lift us high on eagle’s wings
I’d rather die knowing you were white and in my arms than live a thousand non-white days without you

Step 7: Characters die as symbolic meaning (very rare and unique Sparkian plot device)
(note: Do not include in your story that at the point of decease the digestion systems releases. It’s a mood killer)

Extra: Big non-specific nouns as a title.

Example:Feather in a Trapper-Keeper
Maria Whiterson is a rich heiress living in California
She falls in love with a rebellious, poor train grifter named Swain Whitely
Their love is forbidden because Swain is poor (but still an attractive poor, which means he can afford Noxema)
Swain takes her to a grassy field where he puts seashells in the shape of Miley Cyrus’ body. She falls in love.
But then Maria gets a terminal disease.
So Swain makes the realization that he is only 1/4 of a man if he cannot have more than half of her.
She greatly appreciates the message and they finish their relationship by both dying (in a non messy way).

Mike

Verses that everyone thinks is in the Bible- Part I

“A loving God would never send anyone to Hell.”

This is a hope filled verse and technically its true. Why wouldn’t we want to canonize this statement and pin it to the Almighty Lord of love? We are his children after all. Plus, Hell is such an awful description that no religion trying to gain converts should associate with it. Even purgatory would be a better guess.

Example I: Dante's Inferno

Here’s why this verse does not contend with Biblical scripture. Getting rid of Hell is not a rational answer. Jesus speaks about Hell more than any destination in the Gospels. He claims that Hell is like a nasty smelling trash dump (Gehanna). He claims that the body can suffer in Hell for not repenting of their lust. He directly reports that God will separate the lambs from the goats (the goats get the bad petting zoo). Hell is for that guy who spits at his brother in hatred or the guy who hordes too much money. Finally, in his pep talk, Jesus claims that the church will fight against the gates of Hell.

The apostles carry on this theology with Peter claiming that false prophets will get the worst level of Hell (Tartarus). John has a vision of the followers of the cult of the false prophet getting burned forever in a lake of sulfur.

In the Old Testament, Heaven and Hell are not quite developed in theology, but the followers fear the place of shades (Sheol).

Getting rid of Hell is not a biblical option.

Well that’s dumb! You think all God has to do is say, “no Hell” and suddenly the big fiery pit in the ground dries up. I mean, if God is so darn willing to save us all, why doesn’t he just crash the Hell party and kick everyone out.

Or perhaps you think God loves the idea of sending people to Hell.  He is like a cosmic grandma who catches her grandchildren sitting on the couch without the plastic covering.  She then wigs out and refuses to speak to you forever and puts poison in your macaroni when you come over for dinner..

Hell is not a place of suffering for those who have been really bad. You won’t go down there and see Hitler being tickle tortured, while Mussolini is being force fed black licorice. This is not just the land of child molesters and people who rip tags off of mattresses. Hell is a place for EVERYONE!

Before you light your pitchfork on fire, hear me out.

It happened in a garden. When Eve and Adam committed the first no-no before their Heavenly father, something new was created. A gigantic rift between God and his people. It was the first time in history that people could not knock on the Almighty’s door and just have some tea and conversation. The lack of obedience caused a new option: humanity in direct opposition with perfect nature. Darkness instead of light. Disorder instead of organization. Truth be told, Adam and Eve were the first ones to use the world incorrectly and it tipped the scales in favor of chaos. But wait….? Can’t God just make them say sorry and both laugh about it later. Isn’t Hell a bit of an overreaction?

Adam: Remember God when we ate fruit from that tree we were not supposed to eat?
God: (chuckles) Yea, you kids were crazy. It was a good thing I forgave you instead of freaking out.
Adam: Oh yea, you were quite miffed. I’m really glad you didn’t make that eternal torture chamber.

Favorite Hymn on the theology of Hell

It’s not that easy. We are talking a total breakdown of law causing a ripple effect through time. This is like the butterfly effect on crack! The presence of sin on day one has been a shock wave through us like a spiritual cancer. This is not saying sorry to Ms. Fogarty for peeing on her flowers. We can forgive each other easily and not care about it because easy forgiveness doesn’t cost anything. Even if the forgiveness is emotionally difficult it can still be done between humans.  This divine forgiveness costs something. Like a criminal who breaks the law, a good judge must do something about it or be forced to make an exception against greater nature. When God’s children break from perfection, an orderly and organized God must do something about it. That fate is Hell: the place of chaos, the place of disorder, the opposite of God's intentions. The other option would be to repeal free will and use us all like puppets. That option was on the table, but God was not a big fan of it.

Angel 1: So I am thinking we can make your creations come with pull strings and marionettes so they are easier to control.
God: How about we let them go crazy and choose wrong versus right?
Angel 1: Ha ha ha ha ha…oh man you are such a kidder…wait what?

More modern illustration on Hell

But here’s the truth. God doesn’t want to do the inevitable. Just because his children gave him the spiritual middle finger doesn’t mean God has to be the mean judge. In fact, this is exactly why Jesus was sent. Jesus downgraded his Heaven flesh for a full on skin suit and played human for 33 years. He had a three year Earth ministry and got a retirement cross for all his troubles. But before you go into cross assassination conspiracies, Jesus claims to have willfully walked on death row. His reason, to switch places with us in Hell. If forgiveness costs something, Jesus decided to be the thing that it costs.  He became the Adam and Eve punishment that we were supposed to get. It sounds crazy, right?

Satan: What the crap? What are you doing here, Jesus?
Jesus: I’m trading places with those who are supposed to go here.
Satan: Ha! Did you get into the cat’s medicine? No one should want that.
Jesus: What can I say? I’m a sucker for the flesh walkers. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair in three days.

You see, we do have a loving God and he does not want anyone to go to Hell. Anyone who would go to such great lengths to send Jesus to Earth to die in our stead, is either a sick person by far or strictly engaged in seeing us thrive. I could go on and on about Jesus’ crucifixion and its importance for us sinners, but I will leave you with this: someone love’s you enough to stop the inevitable from happening.

P.S. I made this article very light and quite humorous, but I understand the seriousness of this place.  My point was not to belittle Hell with humor, but to raise up God's loving agenda through Jesus.  A lot of articles make people feel very little and caged when talking about Hell.  My intent was to invite the viewer in to God's whole plan.  That is a topic of great joy.

If Movie Stars Could Tweet (Humor)

Movie: Taken
Who: Bryan Mills
Tweet: My daughter was taken by Albanian poo bags! Suxors!

Movie: Sixth Sense
Who: Dr. Malcom Crowe
Tweet: No one is replying to these. Am I dead?!

Movie: The Matrix
Who: Morpheus
Tweet: Note to self…read over inspirational quotes and profound messages for new kid.

Movie: Titanic
Who: Jack
Tweet: I’m on a boat! I’m on a boat…flippy floppies…

Movie: Batman Begins
Who: Bruce Wayne
Tweet 1pm: My parents were killed.
Tweet 3pm: My parents were killed.
Tweet 5pm: My parents were killed.

Movie: National Treasure
Who: Ben Gates
Tweet: Beautiful Saturday…think I am going to do my laundry, go to the store and infiltrate the Library of Congress in an attempt to steal Lincoln’s beard, which was put here by Thomas Jefferson after he hid the constitution in a Dr. Seuss book.

Movie: Alice in Wonderland
Who: Mad Hatter
Tweet: I cannot get the Barbie Girl song out of my head!

Movie: Momento
Who: Leonard
Tweet: I forgot what I was gonna write…lol

Movie: Twilight
Who: Edward Cullen
Tweet: I suck as an actor.

The Christmas List 2010 (Humor)

Every year Walmart fills up to the brim with soccer moms willing to ghetto stomp any human to get the latest toy.  This has genuinely been the way America has celebrated the birth of baby Jesus.  Whether this was a red fuzzy monster that begged you to touch it or a wind up hamster that runs along a track, America has jumped all over this trend.  We here at Brave New Toy have caught on and want to share this with you.  Take a look at our categories and marvel at your choices.

Medal of Honor: Congress Edition

Tagline: All the heat of war, discussed by old men
Synopsis: You play a 77 year old representative of North Dakota whose only big accomplishment was repealing a soybean tax in the third district.  Now you have to sit through long congressional hearings as middle aged men decide the fate of our soldiers.  The level designs all involve the house of Congress, but you can download different wallpapers and skins.  In multiplayer mode you can get a server of 16 of your friends and vote on different zone sanctions.  It's addicting playing "Capture the Filibuster."

Review: The concept is very real, but I wish my character had brought a good magazine.

DC Vs. Archie

Tagline: It was bound to happen.
Synopsis: The heroes of the DC universe crossover to the Archieverse where they are caught in combat with Archie and his pals.  Suddenly, different members of the JLA are forced to fight different members of Archie comics.  Batman vs. Jughead, Deathstroke vs. Veronica, Aquaman vs. Pop Tate, Lex Luthor vs. Moose Mason.  The universe is at stake as Archie and Superman must work together to combine the worlds into Archie Earth- D.

Review: Very disappointed that Batman lost to Jughead.

The Ke$ha Biography: Pretendin' Ain't EZ
Tagline: The life of a girl with no life
Synopsis: You've heard this 16 year old sing about getting hot guys, having crazy booze parties and living the fulfilling life of a constant partier.  The first 3 pages of her book explain the crazy party life required by her CD contract and the other 207 pages just talks about her normal life as a farm girl who's voice sounds good with an auto tuner.  The Foreword is written by Satan.

Review: Ke$ha paints a beautiful portrait about how pretending to be a drunken and loose teenager is better than actually being one.

Spiderman Future: The Arthritis Years

Tagline: Spiderman fights crime with the help of Aleve
Synopsis: In the distant future, Spiderman has inflamed joints and no longer can do any of the things he could do as a teenager.  Instead he puts on his suit and smack talks his enemies.  Kingpin allegedly kidnapped Mary Jane who is an over the hill 300 pound actress doing cat food commercials.  Because of the pain killers he is taking, Spiderman can no longer use his spider sense accurately or shoot webbing.  He must team up with Daredevil who was put in a prison he can't escape (actually it's just his room, but Norman Osborn rearranged the furniture).  

Review: Meh, it's more entertaining than She Hulk.

Grand Theft Recession

Tagline: Thug life isn't easy, especially with our debt issues.
Synopsis: You play as a low level thug for the street gang "The Red Vipers."  Your boss tells you that you have to own the city of New Manhattan by robbing and doing drug deals.  The problem: no one has any money.  The game mirrors our sliding economy with a special economic physics engines.  Your low level street thug has to rob at least six homes to make enough money to buy part of a gun so he can threaten to carjack someone with a Pinto.  In later levels, you have to beat the clock by robbing businesses before they file chapter 11.  You run a drug and prostitute cartel that can only afford half a bottle of tainted Advil and a picture of Lady Gaga.  In the last level you have to run from Obama before he can pin the national debt on you and sink you into a fate worse than prison.

Review: Thirteen hours into this game and I can almost afford to fill up an M16 clip.

Call of Duty: Civil War Ops

Tagline: When Russians Cause Civil War, Abraham Lincoln Needs his Best Soldiers
Synopsis: The time period is 1680 and you play a Russian soldier who lives in America during the Civil War.  Abraham Lincoln has you strapped down in a chair and tortures you with Akimbo pistols.  He desperately wants to know what secret missions you have been performing with the Russians.  There is a plot that the South is using a missile silo that shoots out Native Americans.  Most of your missions are in Russia, torturing people and stopping the world from going into World War 0.5.  You have to go over to the North where you will battle undercover as a Russian terrorist.  In a stunning change of events, Stonewall Jackson turns on you and leads the North to believe that you are behind some terrorist plot.  In the stunning conclusion, you can call in air support to disable the missiles.  But really, who gives a rip?  You're just going to play it for 5 hours and go straight to multiplayer anyway.

Review: Some of this game might be historically inaccurate, but I am sure that Treyarch won't mind.


Other notable purchases:

High School Vampire Wizard Romance Adventures: They fly on brooms, make out with each other and whine in depressing tones...every girl's dream.

Praise Band 3 : It's a Christian version of the popular Rock Band game.  It's like having a poorly made evangelist in your house.

Gold's Jazzercise Kickboxing Weightloss Diet Cookbook (Wii): Finally a video game for hard working, on the go moms.

Mike