“Turn to 2nd Corinthians if Eve bites the forbidden fruit. Turn to Revelations if she refuses.”
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Moses had no doubt He refused to take the Israelites Out.
He would lead the sheep. And tidy the keep. And feed the trout.
But he refused to lead The Israelites out.
Redwall
“Moseswood and Aaronthorn sat for vittles at the Passover perch to have some lambberry stew and warm cider bitter herbs.”
Dr. Seuss
“Christ was afflicted on the crucifox while all the nasty sneetches threw their fish and lox. Crucified on the crossilu, the tender Christ sang ‘I forgive you’ The Pilate’s heart grew three sizes that day.”
Goosebumps
“And then as Noah entered the Ark a giant monster jumped at him.
Chapter 2
Nope, it was just a cat. But behind the cat was a real monster.
Chapter 3
Wrong again. It was just a horse. But behind that horse was an even bigger monster.”
Chronicles of Narnia
” Aslan declared with a roar ‘whoever does not setup parapets on their roof for their neighbor will surely get their face eaten off. Thus declares Aslan.”
Where’s Waldo?
“Go out in all the world and get lost in it until someone finds you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the man with one red sock will be revealed to you.”
Dane Cook lives by a very complex artistic comedy formula. I could get into the algorithms of how he makes jokes, but it's best if you see the formula yourself. (80-90's reference) Punched it in the face (insult with intense stare).
EXAMPLE:
I saw some Care Bears walking down the street so I PUNCHED THEM IN THE FACE and said, "I guess I don't care."
I saw some 80's snap on bracelets the other day so I PUNCHED THEM IN THE FACE and said, "oh snap"
It was funny the first few times, but now all the young frat boy comedians think they are that funny. I bring to mind Daniel Tosh and Nick Swardson. Apparently all you need is Mountain Dew and a birth certificate in the 80's to tell these jokes. Just think about the Dane Cooks we are getting in the future.
I saw some Martian Go go dancers from Zebulon star systems so I LASERED THEM IN THE FACE and said, "Zeb you later!"
2. Auto Tune Everything
We can all agree that Youtube talent ranges from hidden genius to drunk guy in front of a camera. The recent trend is auto tuning stuff that isn't yours. If you are lucky enough to buy a $20 software with an auto tune function than you are 98% closer to being a Youtube star. I haven't caught on yet because I came from a very picky time where you actually had to use your own stuff. Turns out you just need someone's intellectual property and a hatred for originality. Here's a video of a guy auto tuning a fart.
I saw Britney Spears using an auto tuner so I PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE and said "You are out-o-tune"
3. Cats with learning disabilities
The way I imagine this happening is that a bunch of people got together and said, "we really need to make an animal look and sound more inept than it is." After hours of study and a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the internet decided to make cats the utmost asinine creatures on Earth. These cute and loveable creatures cannot spell, are obsessed with burgers and only wish ill will on each other. Any creative exercise that requires you to misspell words, take pictures of your cat and try to think like them is pure creative genius. I only wish we hadn't let the other animals off so easily. What if gerbils had German accents and obsessed about taxes? What if we made hedgehogs look more constipated? The possibilities are endless.
I saw a cat eating a cheeseburger and I PUNCHED IT IN THE FACE and said "Wud U Haz Friez wit dat?"
4. Vague Status Depression
Every once in awhile you will see a status update where a comrade is trying to be specifically angsty and yet really vague. They are angry at someone, but they don't want to name that person, but at the same time they are hoping that person knows and repents immediately. It usually looks like this.
Status Update: Stabbed in the back and now I know how it feels.
Usually when you try to be the good neighbor and probe their feelings that's when they act like you were blowing it out of proportion.
Status Update: I hate my life and darkness is all I feel in my eternal frustration.
Me: Dude? You want to talk.
Them: What? Why?
Me: I think you just committed Staticide.
Them: If every time I wish my death and eternal torture in Hell is going to make you go off the deep end this relationship is not going to work.
When did Facebook become the passive aggressive therapist? It doesn't end there. Now kids are taking angsty lyrics from decidedly depressing bands and taking their words out of context. Still it's vaguer than that thing with that guy from that movie.
Status Update: My only heart is the one you cut and blood from within drowns the love we had between us.
Me: Dude? You okay.
Them: What? Why? Oh those are just lyrics.
Me: Sounds pretty depressing?
Them: Not really. I took it from a Purina Dog Food Commercial.
Challenge: Next time someone puts up an angsty lyric or depressing lyric, try this status reply for size.
Status Update: In my vast confusion, the darkness and pain creates our romance.
Me: I took the liberty of sending this status to your guidance counselor. Your mother and I have been coordinating with a self-esteem life coach. We scheduled you in for 2pm this Wednesday. I got some of your buddies to come by your house and remove any sharp objects or toothbrushes you could use to harm yourself. Also the local pastor will be making daily visits and including your name in the Sunday prayer list. We will fight this together buddy!!!
I saw an emo kid on the street and PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE, "cry about that emo kid."
5. Zombie this and zombie that!
So the makers of every video game, t-shirt design and B movie decided to get together and milk a genre till the udder had gotten infected and broke off. The genre was Zombies. Now you have 6 million catchy t-shirts, 40 iphone games involving plants, zombies, cattle and shotguns and tons of "______Of The Dead" movies. We've made perseverating on a beaten dead horse an art form. There are people with OCD who don't obsess as much as we do on zombies.
Ironic that we keep bringing the dead horse back to life just to beat it again.
But don't worry. The award winning script writers know how to keep it fresh. When in doubt, add Lincoln or Jesus and the stuff writes itself.
Since Hollywood needs lots of help to kick start a new OCD, I made a list of things they could milk.
French speaking pirates, communist vampires, turtles that mutate, quality script ideas, racist poltergeists, Enchantress mummies, sock puppets that know too much, werewolves that steal our breakfast foods, vegetarian Frankenstein, mermaids who trip on acid, salad that thinks for itself, self aware sea sponges, Jihadist Amish folk, puppies who hate democracy, Mahatma Gandhi vs. Possessed Cheerleaders...
Cheese and Rice people! America is lowest on the education and health system, why the heck can't we get TV watching right. Look, you can even add a few zombies in any one of my ideas if you have to.
I saw George A Romero across the street so I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE and said "Stop making bad movies!"
