Letters from a sidekick: The Amazing Spiderman

Dear Spiderman,


I am thrilled that I am your new partner in crime.  I was looking over your backstory and I had a few questions.  Did you think it was weird that Oscorp just had a random division where radiated spiders and thin metal cables were made in conjunction?  Did they tell you why they were making those?  Seems a little convenient that they build up two of your best weapons so close to each other and not have a reason for them.  It was also nice of that scientist friend to let you take home an unlimited supply of metal cable shooters.


Your pal,
Spider Boy



Dear Spiderman,


I thank you for accepting me, Spider Boy, as your new side kick.  I know that you are having a long blonde haired, Polish and scruffy looking vigilante phase.  I had no idea that every long blonde haired, Polish and scruffy looking man was actually a criminal.  That kind of works out in your favor.  


Your pal,
Spider Boy

Dear Spiderman,


I am a little confused.  You don't want people to know who you are, but you keep taking your mask off.  So far children, people you love and people who want to capture you know who you are.  I'm just wondering if revealing your identity to the people you want to protect and the people who want to hurt those you want to protect is a good idea.  Anyways, I followed in your footsteps and showed some bank robbers my face.  They in turn slaughtered my family as revenge.  I was hoping you had a backup family


Your pal,
Spider Boy


Dear Spiderman,


You are really good at fighting and parkour, but I think you need some assistance in rescuing.  You were saving a child from a burning car that was hanging from a bridge.  For no good reason you made the kid put on your vision deterring mask.  was that symbolism?  If that was symbolism it was not very effective.  No one knew who you were so giving children your mask to wear did not really help the situation. Did you mean to make it that much harder for the kid to escape?  Thank God you helped the one kid whose father can own and manipulate all construction vehicles to his will.


Your pal,
Spider Boy


Dear Spiderman,


I just heard that the Lizard is going to spread horrible mutating gases all over New York City to transform the whole population.  But I don't think you should worry.  I did some research and it looks like the lizard dude has to inject himself daily just to continue being the lizard.  So even if the lizard can infect the population they will only be lizards for two hours tops.  Maybe you don't need to put this so high on the priority list.  It would suck if someone got killed for trying to stop such an ineffective plot.


Your pal,
Spider Boy


Dear Spiderman,


I am officially resigning from the position of being your sidekick.  You actually don't have any attributes that make you a hero.  Don't get me wrong, you are amazing at hurting long haired Polish men, but you kind of suck at everything else.  I think I was incredibly disappointed when Gwen stacy's father made you promise to stay away from his daughter.  This promise you complied with...for about 1 day.  It's kind of a jerk move to desecrate the wishes of a dying man (with his daughter no less).  Remind me to accept your vows as absolute crap.  I hope the eventual slaughter of all your loved ones is worth that extra make out time you get with that leggy blonde.  I'm sure she will appreciate the vow you made with her father a little more as a super villain is disemboweling her.


Screw you,
Tim Drake




Dear Spiderman,


I've been looking at your exploits from zero to super hero and made a few connections.  Your entire life is modeled after Batman Begins.  Take a look at this chart I made.


STARTS OFF WITH TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD

 
    








A DEATH IN THE FAMILY MAKES YOU A VIGILANTE

YOU ARE BETRAYED BY A CLOSE MENTOR

 

THAT CLOSE MENTOR WANTS TO POISON THE CITY

YOUR NEW LIFE OF HEROISM MAKES YOU ABANDON YOUR TRUE LOVE

 





Technically, you didn't make this promise last very long.  If your rule is that you can go back on your promises as long as the promise maker is dead, than you should really think about stabbing Uncle Ben in the back and not becoming a super hero.


You are a turd,
Robin (formerly Spider Boy)